Examine old dynamics. If your relationship has had the same power structure for a long time, old patterns will begin to emerge. If you are caring for someone who has always been controlling or critical, this dynamic will continue. If the behavior is very old, changing it is unlikely. Ask yourself what is and is not acceptable. If you feel that the behavior is abusive toward you, then you will need to either have a discussion about boundaries, or enlist someone to help you with caregiving. Sometimes difficult behavior is new and unrelated to old dynamics. If this is the case, you should try to determine a cause. Understand the cause of the behavior. If difficult behavior is a big break from old patterns of behavior, it is usually caused by the traumas of aging. Have a discussion about what might be bothering them. It’s not a good idea to bring up what might be bothering them while they are having an outburst. Try to wait until they are calmer. Do not blame them. Say, “I notice some things have been bothering you more. What can I do to help you out when you’re dealing with them?” Set boundaries. If an elderly person has become too controlling or aggressive, you may start to

dread visiting. When it begins to significantly impact your quality of life, it is time to confront them about it. [1] X Research source When confronting them, make sure that you stress that you love them. Say, “I am always going to love you, no matter what, as long as you live.” Then tell them why you are having trouble. “If you continue this behavior, though, I am not going to want to spend as much time around you or visit you as often.” Finish by appealing to their dignity. “I am telling you this because I want you to help me by ending this behavior. That way we can make the most of this time we have together.” Utilize other sources of care. If an elder’s difficult behavior is driving you to depression, you may have to distance yourself. Don’t blame the elder when you tell them you will not be able to be the sole provider of care. Say, “I don’t think I’ve been able to provide you with the best care possible. I want to make sure that you’re completely taken care of.” Search for resources in your community for caregivers. Check http://www.aarp.org/home-family/caregiving/?intcmp=LNK-BRD-MC-REALPOSS-GTAC for advice and guidance in finding service providers,

making plans, and caring for the elderly person in your life. If it is truly no longer safe for the person to live in their home without outside assistance, suggest either a live-in nurse or moving into an assisted living situation where staff will be present around the clock. It is important to have conversations with your parents (and other elderly relatives who depend on you) about their wishes regarding care later in life. Start having these conversations early on and make sure to include your siblings. Ask your loved one what their wishes are regarding care late in life and be sure to obtain all of the necessary legal documents to provide them the care that they have requested, such as a power of attorney. Determine what sort of care they need. Figure out what their preferences are, and what your availability to help is. If you go into a conversation armed with the facts, you can pre-empt any complaints that they might have. [2] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source You might consider asking your family doctor for resources and information about things like home health care, physical therapy, occupational

therapy, and social workers. Try discussing all of the care options available with your loved one. This will give them an opportunity to consider their options and choose the one that is the most appealing. For example, your loved one may be more comfortable with having a home health care aide some to visit them a few days per week than moving into a nursing home. Be sure to check the references for any eldercare services you consider hiring. You might also explain that accepting some care early on may prolong independence in the long term.[3] X Research source Prepare them for care. Some elderly people will be resistant to receiving care. Aging people are losing independence, mental agility, and physical ability, so they may fight to keep some control. Choose a time when you are both relaxed. It will be easier to have an honest conversation if there are no other tensions. Use friends and family members to help if you meet a lot of resistance. Do not say things like “So and so said you’ve been having trouble with x”, as this will cause miscommunications. Rather, bring friends along, or let them know that you’ve started having these conversations. Use positive words rather

than words that will make them feel like invalids-- “client” rather than “patient”, or “friend” rather than “nurse”. Show empathy for what the person is going through. Elderly people are especially prone to depression as a result of the changes they experience. These changes may include incontinence, pain from arthritis, loss of vision, loss of hearing, and loss of independence. Try to put yourself into this person’s shoes and imagine how they are feeling. This will make it easier for you to approach them from a place of compassion and love. Help them determine or establish their legacy. [4] X Research source One coping process for aging is determining how an elder will live on after death. Helping them along this journey can be healing for everyone involved. This may be as simple as bringing up and discussing how they have impacted lives: “Your children really respect you and take your advice to heart.” Ask them to write or dictate stories from their life. Keep a recording of what they say, or have their writing bound. If asking them is unfruitful, you may want to get them involved in activities that will bring them into contact with people. You can keep a

record of what happens there. Allow them to be autonomous. Allowing them to make their own decisions will keep them from feeling out of control and lashing out. Even though it may not be the most efficient way to do something, it will mean a lot to an elder to be able to make even small choices. Call and ask how they want something done, whether it be a doctor’s appointment or a trip to the park. “When do you want to get there?” and “Who should I invite?” are both good questions that may go ignored if you are too concerned with making decision quickly. If they have trouble making decisions, you can present them with a few choices. This way, they still get to be the deciding factor. Be patient and treat them kindly. Elderly people often forget things or ask the same questions over and over. They can be slow-moving or even obstinate. Keep in mind that they usually can’t help it and aren’t deliberately trying to be difficult or cause you stress. Don’t try to rush them. Use gentle reminders if they are getting distracted, but do not force them to move faster. Don’t worry about speed unless it is absolutely necessary. In today’s world, we’ve been taught to do

everything as quickly as possible, but that may simply not be necessary for older people. Respect their opinions and feelings. As their abilities change, elderly people may begin to feel ignored. Often they feel as though they lose the respect that they fought for all their lives. Ask them their opinions about skills that they are knowledgeable about, like gardening or cooking. For example you can say, “I’ve been trying to make that casserole you always used to make for potlucks, but I can’t seem to get it right. What’s the secret?” Update them on how their advice worked. This will make them feel both respected and useful. “Your advice worked great! Everyone loved it. I told them it was your help that made it so good.” Provide physical contact. Contact is important in maintaining mental health and happiness. As people age and their friends and spouses pass away, they receive less physical contact, which can deepen depression.[5] X Research source Give them hugs, hold their hand, or hold their arm as you walk together. Small touches during everyday interactions can go a long way to counteracting the social isolation that elderly people often endure. [6] X Research

source Touch can lower blood pressure, and even help reduce physical pain. [7] X Research source Allow for new dynamics. If you are taking care of a family member, you have likely been creating a relationship that has taken shape over years. As your roles reverse, this may change. Aging family members may become angry that they’ve lost the authority that they used to have over you. Allow them to work through this anger. Things are changing, but eventually everything will settle down. You may expect that your relationship will deepen or improve with increased contact, but also be aware that old emotions and ways of interacting may not work in your new role. Don’t let your expectations get too high. Meditate or pray. You may need to open yourself up to spirituality to get through rough patches. If this works for you, make sure that you keep up some sort of routine when times are easy as well. Meditation particularly is a long-term practice. If you meditate, try to do at least a few minutes each morning. The most simple form of meditation is just sitting with eyes closed, counting breaths up to ten. As your mind wanders, you just bring your thoughts back to the breath. [8] X

Research source Spiritual practices are about forgiving yourself. It is an opportunity to examine your feelings without guilt or shame, and just be okay with yourself. Wind down and have fun. Take time to visit friends, go to the movies, or have a glass of wine. This may seem difficult, but it’s just as important as any other part of your life. It might be too hard to be spontaneous. Try to work a fun activity into your schedule, or just schedule some free time for yourself a few times a week. Having free time built into your schedule will reduce confusion from your elder about why you are unavailable. Talk to friends and family. Your support system will become even more important as you take on extra burdens. Make sure to talk out any difficult experiences with the people who matter most to you. Don’t overload any one person. Your spouse probably understands you the best, but you won’t want all of your conversations to revolve around caregiving. Talk to friends that even seem a little bit outside of your inner circle. Sometimes you will find people who have gone through similar experiences. Make it clear whether or not you want advice. Sometimes you just need to get

something off your chest, but the person you are talking to thinks that you want a concrete solution. Let them know if you just want to rant, or if you’re asking their advice. Take them to a senior center for activities. Getting older and becoming less mobile can be very isolating, so making sure that the elderly person in your care has ample opportunity to interact with others in their age will provide entertainment and comradery, which will have both physical and mental health benefits.[9] X Trustworthy Source University of Rochester Medical Center Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research Go to source Many of the activities at senior centers, like bingo, music, exercise, and games are designed to boost brain-power. Encourage them to join in on these activities, and accompany them if they are reluctant. [10] X Research source Make sure they have whatever they need, like a hearing aid, in order to remain part of the conversation around them.[11] X Research source Look into transportation options for seniors in your area. Some senior centers have their own shuttles to transport people to and from the senior center. There may also be a

special senior shuttle in your area that will take people to and from their destination at a low cost. Help them continue with activities they enjoy. There is nothing sadder than having to give up a hobby or pastime that you have enjoyed for years. Helping senior citizens remain active can actually help slow the aging process, too. If they aren’t able to play sports anymore, take them to watch games in person or watch games together on TV. Make sure they get exercise in other ways as well. If failing eyesight makes artistic pursuits difficult, ask them for advice on a quilt you are making, ask them for help picking out paint colors to redecorate a room, or take them to an art museum. Take religious senior citizens to services at their place of worship.[12] X Research source Visit regularly. Put regular visits to your elderly relatives or friends on your calendar so they are part of your regular routine. Showing up, even for a brief visit, will show them that you are thinking of them and will provide something for them to look forward to. Elderly people need to see family or friends a minimum of three times per week to ward off depression and loneliness. Unfortunately, emailing

doesn’t really help.[13] X Research source Keep track of their medications. Elderly people often have health problems that require multiple medications including pills, diabetic testing, and even injections. If keeping track of these medications becomes too much for you or for the elderly person, then talk with their doctor. You may be able to arrange for a registered nurse to visit their home once or twice per week to help with medication management. Sort pills into a pill box marked with the days of the week. If they need different medications in the morning and evening, sort morning pills into a pill minder designated with a specific color, and the afternoon or evening medications into a different pill minder designated with a different color, or use one box with multiple rows for medications to be taken at different times of the day.[14] X Research source . Keep a log book of medications taken, doctor’s appointments, and any medical problems they experienced for each day. If something goes wrong or they end up in the hospital, the records will help doctors figure out what happened and what to do. The log book will also be helpful for reminding your elderly friend if they

have already taken their medications for the day, so they won’t be confused and double-dose themselves. Talk to their doctors and pharmacists. Sometimes elderly people end up being over-medicated and take so many pills a day that it is too confusing and may be unnecessary. Regularly going through each of the medications with the doctor and pharmacist can help prevent this problem. [15] X Research source If the person has more than one doctor because they are managing multiple health problems, it is crucial to make sure that all physicians are aware of all of the drugs in their regimen. Some drugs can cause harmful reactions when combined.[16] X Research source The pharmacist should be able to explain anything you need to know about timing for taking medications and possible side effects or adverse reactions.[17] X Research source Contact their doctor and pharmacist right away if they have any adverse reactions after starting a new medication. Protect their physical safety. Making sure that their environment is modified prevents falls and other accidents. People usually prefer to remain living independently in their own home as long as possible instead of moving in with relatives

or into a nursing home. You can help make this possible by assessing the how the features of the home may present hazards, and fixing them to be safer when possible. If the elderly person in your life still lives in their own home, consider hiring an aging in place expert to help you make modifications like handrails in the shower.[18] X Research source If climbing up and down stairs is difficult or impossible, you may want to have a chair lift installed to prevent falls. Or, ramps can be installed to accommodate wheelchairs.